Writer's anyone?

[Chaos]

Consenting Adults

Burton Hurst saw Matilda at the Electronic Grandmother launch. Her fluorescent pink name tag proclaimed her corporate handle, but her real name, of course, was unknown to him. A woman of phosphorescent beauty, the light gleaming from her white, white teeth.

"And you're Paul," she said, reading his corporate tag.

"Burton, actually," he said, using his real name.

A mistake. In one fingersnap instant, he was blanked out of the launch. He found himself in a corporate lecture theatre, empty but for the cartoon figure of a Vigilant.

"You know the rules, Paul," said the Vigilant.

"Sure," said Burton. "Mea culpa. It won't happen again."

The rules of Business-Business were simple. Business is business, and leave your personal life out of it.

However, a month later Burton saw Matilda again at the Pyongyang condominium launch. (Pyongyang? Sometime capital of North Korea. Available for development now that there were no more North Koreans. And, once you've made your house into a cheery home by installing an electronic grandmother, you're going to want somewhere to put the real one, and what better place than an all-care automated condominium in Pyongyang? Right?)

"I'm going to be expert-systemed next month," she said, all matter-of-fact.

Expert-systemed. That meant she would appear no more in the vitual world Business-Business. Instead, a computer would be doing her job. A computer model of the real woman would perform all the woman's business functions, and any chance of ever meeting the real-and-truly flesh-in-the-flesh Matilda would be lost to Burton forever.

He petitioned Dave Glingor, his boss.

"I'm in love," said Burton.

"In love!" said Dave. "What a nonsense! You've only seen her twice! Besides, you know how it is."

Burton knew. Ever since the virtual T-Rex had eaten the kid in the Dinosaur Wonderland, initiating the virtual malpractice lawsuit, virtual corporations had turned mother-nanny cautious. Virtual rape lawsuits, virtual sexual harrassment lawsuits, molestation lawsuits - it had got to the point where the hard-hit corporations had no option but to compel their employees to behave like robots in suits.

"You know how it is," said Dave. "If I so much as give you permission to ask her real name, that lays us wide open to a sexual harrassment suit."

Checkmate. Or was it? No! There was one more thing to try. So Burton did it. Masquerading as the cockroach control man, he penetrated the headquarters of Business-Business, and burgled Matilda's personal details.

Tuesday was her day off. And so, the next Tuesday, Burton headed out to her personal residence. The landscape through which he travelled was desolate, deserted but for pizza delivery vans. In a world of virtual work, virtual holidays and virtual education, hardly anyone was on the move during the day except the pizza delivery guys and the relocation trucks which handled the grandmothers.

Bing-bong. Anyone home? Maybe she's still in her hook-up suite, doing a virtual day in virtual Hawaii. And maybe, too, she's not like her Business-Business image. Maybe the real Matilda is 56 years old with hair like the Medussa. Then the door opened and - hey. There she was.

"Burton," she said.

"You remember!" he said.

"Of course I remember," she said. "I was sure you'd get here. I'm ... I'm attractive to men."

Such confidence! It suggested - in a way that Burton did not entirely like - that Matilda had done this before.

"Who knows you're here?" she said.

"Nobody," said Burton. And then: "Matilda! I've waited for this moment for so long! Tell me - what's your real name?"

"People like me don't have real names," said Matilda. "Come on in."

She didn't waste time. She dragged him inside and flung him on the floor. He grinned. So quick? This right-down-to-it stuff was amazing!

Then she bit him. Her long sharp fangs sliced into his neck. More surprised than shocked, he just lay there, listening to the vacuuming guzzle and suck of her hunger. By the time he was ready to start fighting, he was already too weak to fight back. Then he handcuffed him so he couldn't fight any longer.

"You're not going to get away with this," he said. "Dave will figure it out."

"Dave?" said Matilda. "Who is Dave?"

"I don't think I want to tell you that," said Burton, realising he might have made a mistake.

"Share a woman's privilege," she said, putting some water on to boil. "Change your mind."

After he talked, she used the last of the water to make a cup of coffee.

"Coffee," she said, grinning at him as she lowered her mouth to his neck, "is very good for the digestion."

A long while later, she finally raised her head again. He was very weak by then, and realised he was not far from passing out.

"So," he said. "Will I become a vampire like you?"

"Somehow, I don't think so," she said, walking to the corner where she kept the chainsaw and the rubber sheets.

And she was right - he didn't.

The next day, Dave Glingor saw a woman of phosphorescent beauty smiling at him at the Bubble of Joy design-a-baby conference. Her corporate handle was a bit clunky - Matilda - but the gleaming enthusiasm of her long-toothed smile more than compensated for the name.


The End                    

[Aka_Neo]

America vs. Russia

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."                    

[Aka_Neo]

$200 Bucks It Is...

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"                    

[Aka_Neo]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
               

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!                    

[Aka_Neo]

4 Sons

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."                    

[Aka_Neo]

A Case for More Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.                    

[Aka_Neo]

Acceptable Excuse
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."                    

[Imperial_X]

Much props to anyone who has read ALL THESE stories and whatever else.                    

[CrashKid]

A snail walks into a bar and ask for some water.The bartender says 'that snails are not allowed in the bar 'so he picks the snail up and throw him out.Two years later the snail walks into the same bar and asked  the bartender 'why did u do that'                    

[Aka_Neo]

A Mime in a Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"                    

[Aka_Neo]

A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"                    

[Aka_Neo]

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"                    

[Aka_Neo]

like i am the only one who have stories
A RELIGIOUS HUNTER

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill.  Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg.  Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."

The  bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens  quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."                    

[Aka_Neo]

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.                    

[Aka_Neo]

how come is only i posting here oh well posting stories are fun i am making a story right now but it might take a while..so i hope u ppl can post some stories and thing by the time                    

[Aka_Neo]

The ancient stone suddenly went ablaze with the jagged lightning as it struck. The stone turned a brilliant fluorescent blue in the stormy night, but yet not one black mark marred it where the lightning had struck.

A flying owl quickly sought shelter in a bent birch tree, its branches waving violently in the rain-slashed night. The thunder roared as great clashing drums that had rolled in from a endless black sea.

In the cottage below the hill, not far from the old monolith, a pair of lovers slept through the raging of the night.

Meg lay curled in the arms of her lover, her flaxen hair spread across his chest. He held tightly even in his sleep. His facial expression one of joy and fulfillment.

The cob in the stable whinnied in fear of the tumultous storm and moved restless in his stall. His ears pricked as he heard another horse above the din of the storm. He whinnied again but there was no answer.

He also heard the cry of pain from the woman mounted on the black maire as she saw a sight that was not what it appeared to be.

Her husband did not sleep there, only his brother. Yet, she did not know this but weeping in pain, she turned the mare and headed back into the night across the misted moors. Back to the blue-runneled monolith to await for what she knew would eventually come. She would wait for her husband at the old sight as he headed home and there it would end.

She pushed the black mare hard, unseeing between the rain and tears. Uncaringly reckless for the horse's slender legs, she raced on towards her destination.

As they drew upon it, she saw a figure of a horse and rider standing in the drenching rain. She felt her heart stop and then go soft with joy.

Another grey horse stood there, mounted by a man, his face lost in the shadows of his hat. She did not need to see his face to know who it was. It was her husband, her love and hers only.

Shamed but filled with happiness, she drew the black mare to a halt beside the grey and held out her hand in offering. His reached out, clasped it and brought it to his lips.

In forever love, she would be glad that she had been mistaken of who slept in that cottage on the misted moors.                    

[Fault]

I was just about to ask you if you didn't notice that you are the only one doing anythign in this thread...... but i see you have noticed....                    

[ShinIori]

Shall I post another song I wrote then...?                    

[Lucifiel]

Shall I post another song I wrote then...?

if you want...                    

[CrashKid]

Ok check dis one dis is 4 all my ppl

I smoke weed,i smoke weed,i smoke weed,i smoke weeddd

I smoke weed in d morning
I smoke while am yawning
I smoke weed in the day and night
I smoke weed before i fight
I smoke weed in d afternoon
I smoke weed when am eating with a spoon
I smoke weed my cat
I smoke with a stinking rat
I smoke with the devil
I smoke weed when am not evil
I smoke weed with all my friends
I smoke in a benz

I smoke weed,i smoke weed,i smoke weed,i smoke weeddd

I smoke weed when am eating ham
I smoke weed with bread and jam
I smoke weed in my mother's womb
I smoke weed when am dead in my tomb
I smoke weed with a nazi
I smoke weed n i don't eat pu$$y
I smoke weed when its on a stick
I smoke weed when a girl is sucking my .....
I smoke weed with the man above
I smoke weed when am making love

I smoke weed,i smoke weed,i smoke weed,i smoke weedddd

I smoke weed when eating popcorn
I smoke weed while watching porn
I smoke weed when your girl is sucking
I smoke weed while am jocking
I smoke in ATL
I smoke weed when am not will
I smoke weed when am sniffing coke
I smoke weed with the Pope

Dats it the weed song anyway wat u'll think of dis?