Apparently Jack Bauer is quite the badass

[Arcmanov]

Observe:

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f@#$ing do it.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f@#%ing dead."

Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Mayers, and
he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a
f@#%ing terrorist.

The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer
doesn't want to carry you.

There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said
he would travel by foot.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you
with the pillow.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3
shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer
is going to find out why...

Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops
and robbers, the robbers would all be interogated and killed.

Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the
one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons
in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot
Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer
f@#$in' hates lemonade.

As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they
revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was
shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

On Jack Bauers Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependants.

Jack Bauer can eat just one Lay's Potato Chip. Don't tell Jack what he
can't f@#%ing do.

It took God six days to get His job done; Jack has 24 hours.

Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken,
but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him
finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.....wait.....that is a
real fact.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second
favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4
times. What the hell have you done with your life?

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less
than an hour. And he's done it twice.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a
bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman
for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom
Cruise admitted that he was gay.

Jack Bauer's family once threw him a surprise birthday party when he
was a child. Once.




I especially like the Chuck Norris comment.

 

[Kaizen]

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.



LOL!!!!!

[spinner]

LOL@Tom Cruise comment

[Cross]

Most of them but this one was bad

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

[Crixx_Creww]

omfg @ the shoot nina mayers twice ahahah

and if he was gay he would be called chuck norris !LOLL!!! aahhaah

i never even watch 24, i didnt know it was so bad!! lol he does be killin terrorist right tru??

[Spazosaurus]

Jack Bauer and that last episode in season 5 just pissed me off. You know you royally screwed the Chinese not so long ago and they done know u working in CTU again but @$$hole you hear a chinee man tell u that u have a phone call waiting for u...in an abandoned warehouse...and gone juss so inside like ah idiot. For a man who saved America 5 times THAT WAS REAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL DUMB!!!!! [/end rant]

[New Era Outlaw]

Oh Lord. Not another one. The Chuck Norris fad was funny, I'll admit, but this is going overboard now. As a matter of fact, 90% of those were used for Chuck Norris Facts already. The only exception being, this new batch is just not funny.

[Red Paradox]

Jack Bauer is a boss
and 24 is the best show on the planet!
nuff said!

[Arcmanov]

Oh Lord. Not another one. The Chuck Norris fad was funny, I'll admit, but this is going overboard now. As a matter of fact, 90% of those were used for Chuck Norris Facts already. The only exception being, this new batch is just not funny.

Yuh on yuh own dey hoss.

[Cross]

first 2 seasons of 24 was the best everything else was a sad remake and it was starting to remind me of Alias good thing Jack dead for sure now.........or is he?

Oh yea lol Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas

[Red Paradox]

I think they're bringing a new season....with Bauer so....he ain't dead yet....

[Nephilim]

so i just showmy gf this


she asked?

"WHO is Jack Bauer?"

[Red Paradox]

Show your gf this....

[Cross]

A! don't show your girl that Jack Bauer will steal your girl

[choxlate_saltfish]

LOL@ Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less
than an hour. And he's done it twice

jack is da shiznits

[Spazosaurus]

Jack is untimately an @$$. I am NOT kidding he is a bloddy idiot.