The Covenant: An Exercise in Masochism.

[Synchronomyst]

Attention: This Movie BLOWS. Thank you.
...you know...ever so often, as is expected, there's a film advertised on the television which more or less unintentionally (but loudly) declares it's hopeless inferiority in the realm of cinematic entertainment in the thirty-something seconds of it's spliced together imagery. These movies tend to try their best to mask their shortcommings with fast paced and action packed sequences and a few witty and out of context one-liners but in reality, every single thing you see in that short duration indicates that you'd be better off skipping the film entirely. I think most people not intoxicated with psychoactive drugs (and even some who are) would agree that 'The Covenant' was one of these films. The Covenant doesn't only adhere to the cliche but it may even be the new benchmark by which all s**tty post-summer budgetbusters are graded. 

All that being said, against my better judgement, I still dared to go see the Covenant on Monday with a friend of mine. I hadn't seen her in a long while and she was really aching to see this movie for reasons unkown. I decided to do something nice for her by giving her the company to the cinema because really...no one should have to go through such a traumatic experience like watching this movie alone. Soon enough the ads and the trailers rolled and the title screen appeared...an unsubtle impression of what the intro to 'Charmed' would look like if it were done by Slipknot. Then...twenty minutes into the movie...I did some much needed introspection and  I told myself, "We all make mistakes. Some mistakes just cost us more dearly than others"

This movie wasn't bad. It was terrible. It was "getting stabbed through the pelvis with a shishkebab skewer and then pinned to a wall" terrible. The Covenant played like an extended pilot for a a series that was rejected from the now defunct WB's primetime programming block. Now...I'm not too sure you, the reader, may grasp this concept instantly. Do you know how bad a show has to be to be rejected by the WB? Can you even conceive of a show that is so spleen piercingly terrible that they won't place it among the likes of Seventh Heaven, Veronica Mars and One Tree Hill? If you can then you can stop reading right here as you seemingly know the face of true evil already. Otherwise, I'll explain.

This movie was wrought with endless bad dialogue that seemed to be written on the level of the current  8 - 15 year old age bracket of kids, meaning brats who are trying their best to project this faux image of being mature and edgy. This is bad enough... a film that dumbs itself down to cater to the only audience that would tolerate such garbage... but even as the dialogue was as contrived as it was, the lines were delivered without the slightest hint of conviction buy a cast of pretty-faced acting neophytes who are more fit to posturize along side Power Rangers than to portray roles on the big screen. It often seemed as if the casting director...aware of a wide but unalterable discrepancy between the acting ans special effects budget decided to go through the closest folder of head shots and play a rousing game of "eeny meeny miney moe" with all the attractive ones.

Now, to be fair, the premise in itself wasn't that bad the main characters...or rather...the main character and his three friends of the who themselves existed throughout the movie without a lick of character development (not too much unlike what I think you'd see in a pilot that was altered into a screenplay)  are witches. They are descendants of the families involved in the Salem witch trials and each first born male in the lineage is granted powers...at a cost, with each use it becomes addictive, like a drug, it overwhelms you and also with each use your body ages faster as it is essentially using your life's essence. While it's not the most original of ideas...it works. Until you see the execution of it...there is no sort of consistency in the usage of their powers at all...one minute they're transcending death by reassmbling vehicles that suddenlt burst into flames after being invovled in a head-on collision with a Semi (which, I might add was miraculously unscratched) and defying the laws of phsyics...and the next they're getting tossed all about the place and throwing pulses of force...and defying the laws of physics. It just seemed as if the writer and the director didn't possess enough imagination to make these nigh ominpotent drama teens the least bit...well...interesting. That coupled with the many pointless interludes in the movie that did nothing to advance the plot made this movie just a souless terror to experience.

All in all...if you need purpose and conviction in life...go see it. I guarantee you'll feel as if there's a higher power that ordains that you not squander your precious life doing such displeasurable and inane things like seeing this film but rather doing more gratifying and productive things...like possibly counting the number of pores on your skin or setting a pigeon ablaze with lighter fluid and throwing it off your roof while screaming, "BEHOLD THE GREAT PHEONIX'S RETURN!" Otherwise...f**king forget it. This movie is fecal matter on film. Fail.


P.S. - I will never forgive her.

[Saxito Pau]

dude, WTF??

You write as if you writing an editorial.... I'm confused now. sorry. Poor you.

[EmpireKing]

I didnt read it cause i doh care wat u say
...The movie was badd..cause d two chicks was fuzzing hott

[Synchronomyst]

Two hot chicks does not a movie make. That's like saying Tomb Raider was good because Angelina Jolie was in it. Yes...she counts as two hot women.



Hell...the female leads could've had one moist, grinding, raunchy sex scene and that still wouldn't redeem how horrid this movie was...


...but by god, would that be sexy.

[Arcmanov]

I didnt read it cause i doh care wat u say
...The movie was badd..cause d two chicks was fuzzing hott

Well, if you in the age group they was aimin for, then for you ITS HOT!!! (Paris Hilton voice)
For the rest of us, its HOT MESS!!!

I saw this trailer and shouted "BALLZ!!!" out loud in the people cinema.  Them movies is
primarily for the Dawson's Creek/Smallville crowd.  Oh the Smallville fans will eat this
movie UP.

Yeah I said it. SMALLVILLE!!!  Biggest piece a SH1T-series EVER put on my TV!!!

[EmpireKing]

WTMCCCCCC......HYSMFC.doh ever say dat bout smallville.....................yayyyyyy tonite is smallville

[Saxito Pau]

now, now, Arcman... you really didn't have to go THERE:

Smallville you just dissed?

Now my dots AND my triangles have been agitated....

*slowly and partially draws out katana blade...*

I'm sure you want to have the roast duck with the mango salsa this weekend, right?

If the covenant is really as bad is collective critical minds say it is, then i go accept it as true.... but i just find smallville interesting... it DOES have its ...unecessary episodes... but tis an OK series.... or is it that I am still young at heart?

[Red Paradox]

good review Synchronomyst ...I watched the screener copy and it did sucked massive @$$

[Arcmanov]

lol @ 'agitated dots'.
thats just how i feel, and i dont think age has anything to do with it.
why did the producers feel that they have to saddle Superman with all
this Dawson Creek foolishness is beyond me.
I use the Dawson's Creek reference constantly because it looks and sounds
EXACTLY like it, guest starring the Boy Of Steel.

EGAD!!!

Disgusts me to NO END!!!

[vivman1107]

Now, now Arcman ... I am not a Smallville watcher but you can't say that is the worst show on TV. You have obviously not been subjected to stuff like Flava of Love, Laguna Beach or America's Next Top Model. I have because my cousin is a teenage girl and can't seem to watch anything else.

[Crixx_Creww]

ok arc, those off hand comments are likely to get you banned.
By whom?
MEEEE
omfg how dareeeeeee you say such trite things about Smallville?
Do you knowwww anything about forking superman???
Have you ever read an issue of superman pertaining to his youth and life in smallville kansas???
OBVIOUSLY NOT!! IF YOU DONT GET ALL THE HISTORY BEHIND THE STORIES IN SMALLVILLE!!!!!
if you dont get and cant appreciate the subtle twist to real life superman references and the way they give yu hints of things to come in his future.
Pffft, the show has taken dramatic turns for both good and bad butt the show ALWAYS redeems it self. They have done an amazing job of making people fall in love with the characters, thats not something every show can do.

Secondly.. the dawson's creek blasting... another giant no no.That remains to this day, one of the best shows ever made. Even the college years seasons, which were blasted by hardcore fans, still held alot of what made teh show great in the first place. Again, the characters in the show captivate. And particularly because people can empathize and identify with certain characters.
Some people like pacey, because they liked the bad boy/a$$hole and others like me, will for ever hold in high esteem the dawson and joey fairytale, because in a perfect world, good guy gets good girl.

And now unto the movie. I never saw a commercial for this stupid ass movie.
Just the posters, which gave me hope for a movie in some way, on par with The Craft.
No craft was this, i assure you.

Missing Character development aside, they did NOTHINGGGGG to build on the background of the so called "witches" These boys seemed to know NOTHING about witchcraft, but some how miraculously had all teh gifts that would be endowed by said craft.


butttttttttttttttttttttt
OMFG AT THAT INDIAN MIX CHICK!!! SHE WAS TEHH OWNAGEE!!!!! OMFG DEM SPIDERS WAS SOOOO LUCKY TO LIKE AHVE BEEN ALL OVER TEH OWNZORAGE BODY!!!!!! !!!!!!
her tig a$$ bitties were just toooo much!!!!

people who havent seen this movie yet though... take that money and go see crank instead!!
Amy smart is just as hot as teh ownzorage body indian mix girl ANDD the movie is actually entertaining.

... unfortunatellyyy, the way this stupid movie ended, it seems like they are going to make a sequel.. good lord.
one other bonus is the ad for saw 3 that was shown!!!

W00T SAW 3 COMING!!!! YAYYYYY
moree tieeff headd galloreeee.


Oh and WTF AT TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE THE MC BEGINING???


how de mccccccccccc dey go make a MCCCCCCCCC prequel to a MCCCCCCCCC movie based on factual events!!!!! I MEAN WDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[Arcmanov]

So I'm to be banned for expressing my honest opinion now?
Come on Crixx.  The reasons you like the show are the very reasons I dislike it.
Its not a question of whether I 'know anything about Superman' or not.
I just personally think that series should have taken a different slant.  Thats all.
So I stand by my comments.  If you want to ban me for that, then I cant stop you, but
if you do, then dont stop there.  Ban EVERYONE with an opposing view to yours from then on.

I think I should be able to disagree with anyone on this forum, without being disrespectful.  Dont you think?

[Spazosaurus]

yeah lol smallville suckz a$$ it is tha b@llz

Seriously, i real like smallville even though sometimes i want to reach out and choke the man of steel for his stupidity and the sometimes lack of sense some thingsin the show make.

Personally i prefer to take my time and watch house, veronica mars, lost or prison break before i watch smallville

[Synchronomyst]

I don't think Smallville is the worst show on televison. Far from it. There are even worse shows on the same network. But oh HELL no, Crixx. Don't do that. You KNOW for a fact that 'Smallville' has -absolutely nothing- to do with an even remotely accurate representation the original Superman mythos. In fact, it is nothing more than a complete bastardization of the Superman cannon for the sake of forging viewship among the demographic that is into the majority of shows the WB makes anyway. Even the writers and producers admit that....and they have also gone out of their way to communicate that is a relaunching and an "modern interpretation" of Clark Kent's adolescnce rather than an accurate representation of the comic books. Constant superman references and breaking the fourth wall really mean nothing in this instance.

This is why you can't comepletely disagree with Arcman. You can disagree with the quality of the show. I mean...something like this is clearly subjective. But you can't deny that it is very much Dawson's Creek...just  with super powers thown in the mix. It shamelessly combines the "pretty-suburban-slash-middle america-town-dwelling-teenagers-with-unrealistic-issues-and-poor-conflict-resolution-skills" storyline, pioneered by Dawson's Creek I might add, with an episodic and formulaic storyline that is FARRRR too dependent on the deus ex machina of the varying forms of kryptonite to even create a reason for any story or conflict in Smallville. I mean... since when did kryptonite grant -anyone- powers? Not to mention the amazing abundance in which it can be found. You call that "history"?  Then again...the Superboy comics of that era weren't that good or even remotely acceptable by any modern standard. They didn't age well at all. Good for their time...bad for everythng else. So I supposed this is why they chose to change it...but there's a depth the could've employed that is severely lacking. And even when they do (eg the episode with Lana using the serum to communicate with her parents) they ruin it with crap like the serum being made out of Kryptonite. God DAMN it!

...and well...Dawson's Creek was boring and is solely responsible for the shallow derivative teen drama on television today. Like the OC and in turn Laguna Beach. How can you be supportive of a show responsible for Laguna Beach? God no.


And House is an amazing show. Seriously.

[Crixx_Creww]

Never heard of house. will give it a shot, recently i have had reason to watch tv other than smallville now that dawson's creek is done. Such as lost 4400 heroes prison break and a few others.

It is not cannon, i more than admit it, from episode one it was no where near cannon.
But for someone as into superman as i am, who knows the ins and outs of the comics liek i do, it shines at some really amazing things.

You people keep saying its nothing more than dawson's creek with super powers. Which isnt a bad thing, dawson's creek characters had unrealistic problems and poor solution skills? Well iam glad that you had a perfect teenage life, but to some of us/alot of us, it is a pretty level representation of the ish that people go through.

Ive been angered to total frustration and the bastardisation of some of the real story lines this is true.
But then they redeem themselves like i said before with some very very subtle things.
One of my biggest likes about this show that i have mentioned many times, is the fact that they made Pete Ross Black.
This may seem insignificant to youuu non informed people, but this is totally blow mind to someone liek me! And then they went and made his mom a supreme court judge!! that totally blew my mind again!!

WHYYY you may ask??? Because in the CANON story, Pete Ross becomes president of the united states of america  with clark kent as his campagin manager, then clark protects pete from an attempted assination in front of million of people, so his identity was revealed to the world. By some by law thingy, pete then elects Clark to take over for him as president while he recovers from his injuries.

Superman then becomes president of the united states. Ushers in a new era in world peace and development. great stuff.
....Was then later nullyfied by the corps but small ting it happened.

Now into the real storyling, non changing actual present day story line... Pete ross is vice president of the united states.

So in summary, Smallville is paving the way for the FIRST black president of the united states!!!
that is a OMFG WTF moment right there. THis and a host of other little things they blend into the show makes it amazing.

This season starting today is going to be GRITTY AND HARD CORE!

[W1nTry]

What you talking bout crixx, Morgan Freeman was a Black President in that commet armaegedon movie... what was it called again...? whaev... point is a black US President eh nothing big, esp when its on TV :p

[Heady]

So I'm to be banned for expressing my honest opinion now?
Come on Crixx.  The reasons you like the show are the very reasons I dislike it.
Its not a question of whether I 'know anything about Superman' or not.
I just personally think that series should have taken a different slant.  Thats all.
So I stand by my comments.  If you want to ban me for that, then I cant stop you, but
if you do, then dont stop there.  Ban EVERYONE with an opposing view to yours from then on.
I think I should be able to disagree with anyone on this forum, without being disrespectful.  Dont you think?

Crixx WDMC!

Arc u aint go get ban for dat doh worry. Thats called abusing power. crixx ell d man u aint go ban he getting d members frighten :S

and dis aint a smallvile thread.

[Arcmanov]

I hope so.  I've been waiting for this show to evolve into something more substantial for YEARS now.

The producers of The Covenant however, seem to be mired in the same thought processes that produce
such other inane bulls#1t like 'Charmed'.  Now THERE'S a show I absolutely HATED!!!
With EVERY FIBRE of my intellectually superior being!!!

[Crixx_Creww]

how many people have i actually banned? pfft obviously i wasnt being serious about banning someone for something like this, especially not a man like arc oh god.
Its just that i take such assaults on the character of shows such as dawson's creek and smallville personally.

Now hes on charmed case*sigh* lol... the girls on charmed are to hot to make noise about hoss! they dont compare to kristen but they still over on.

Charmed started off well enough, on the heals of The Craft, even took the theme song from the craft which in the begining gave it some credence, it has devolved over the years and now its finnaly over, no biggy.


My problem here though is comparing rubish like the covenant to great show's like smallville and dawson's creek.

And for the record, aside from those people that come on and post links to cheap drugs and crap like that

i have only ever banned ONE person
and that is bushman for his stupidness.

[Red Paradox]

i have only ever banned ONE person
and that is bushman for his stupidness.

LOL

lol @ 'agitated dots'.
thats just how i feel, and i dont think age has anything to do with it.
why did the producers feel that they have to saddle Superman with all
this Dawson Creek foolishness is beyond me.
I use the Dawson's Creek reference constantly because it looks and sounds
EXACTLY like it, guest starring the Boy Of Steel.

EGAD!!!

Disgusts me to NO END!!!

Fianlly someone agrees with me....I used to like Smallville...but now it's like f***in' Young and Restless.....seriously godd*** it!