Just a Joke

[NEEKSBOD]

Something I had to share…

My cousin told me about a man down the street who collects money from the government every month because of his broken foot. He does not work, he doesn’t do anything just sits around all day living off the government money.

One day (my cousin went on) while hanging under the tree, a local hangout spot for the local man in the island, an argument arose between the crooked foot man and a drunk man. The drunk man upset at the crooked man stated, “this man is a bull shitter while ye sit there all day doing and talking shit and taking money from government others who got it worse than him have to work in that condition.” He (my cousin almost crying from laughter at the time) went on saying, “ see let me tell you, I was watching TV one day and I saw this man with no arms and legs laying blocks!!!”

Sometimes these things make me wonder what drunken ppl really are seeing on TV.

Note that this is not the way they speak but I cannot write like that anymore so you have to go through the English version.
 

[NEEKSBOD]

i lost my accent after attending a private school... we use to get cut ass when we didnt talk properly.

[BeoBear]

what...private school...dare ruins the beauty of Trinidadian dialect, we are talking "properly!"...it is our dialect..wtmc

[NEEKSBOD]

i know that... its just that they thought that when we talked it made us look low... i do not cooperate with it, its just that it was either that or get thrown out.

not being racist or anything but it was mainly full of white kids, and they sounded shitty themselves. pissed me off when they talked. oh like one time like i went like swimming and like i liked it and like it was fun. that sort off shit.

Dont get me wrong but i was one of the ppl who like cutting their tail the <<avoid profanity in it's open form please use F@#$ for example>> out of them, Oh the memories!!!

[Nephilim]

this cracked me up...

[BeoBear]

LOL

[NEEKSBOD]

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. Sergeant stood up and shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS STAND UP!.....YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!" Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, "You should have broken the news to him nicer....he wouldn't have been so upset." Two months had passed, Sergeant Jones was running another drill and he received another letter which stated that Private Williams' father had died, and then he thought for a minute and then shouted, "EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD" and so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, "PRIVATE WILLIAMS... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

[W1nTry]

GG

 A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he
 can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be
 cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the
 rectum.
 
 The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing
 way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him
 to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or
 something.
 
 So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
 suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to
 obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what
 to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with
 the other shoves the medicine home.
 
 Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
 
 “What’s the matter hun?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”
 
 “No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that,
 he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

[Cross]

OH MY WORD!!

[NEEKSBOD]

Thats is sooooo nasty!!! were do u get that from?

mi ma wud die if she see da

[NEEKSBOD]

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"  Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"  Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

[NEEKSBOD]

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

[NEEKSBOD]

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

[Cross]

School 1957 vs. School 2007


Scenario:  Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

          1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

         2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:  Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

       1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
up buddies.

       2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:  Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

       1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

       2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:  Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

       1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

       2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario:  Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

       1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

       2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

       1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

       2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school sy stem and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
 
Scenario:  Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

       1957 - Ants die.

       2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to f ly again.

Scenario:  Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

       1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

       2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

[Redlum08]

School 1957 vs. School 2007


Scenario:  Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

          1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

         2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:  Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

       1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
up buddies.

       2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:  Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

       1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

       2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:  Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

       1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

       2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario:  Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

       1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

       2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

       1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

       2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school sy stem and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
 
Scenario:  Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

       1957 - Ants die.

       2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to f ly again.

Scenario:  Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

       1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

       2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Daiz not a JOKE, that's REALITY! LOL

[W1nTry]

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives who love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited

 

[Jarrox]

LOL good one

[NEEKSBOD]

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

[New Era Outlaw]

Done by a friend of mine, Chimpo McCrazypants.

[vivman1107]

Fortune cookies

- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it.

- If someone calls you fat, don't get angry... just turn the other chin.

- Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

- A man can keep his youth, by giving her money, furs and diamonds.

- It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

- Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

- Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

- Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

- Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

- It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

- He who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.

- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

- Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

- An optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

- Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

- Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

- 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

- Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

- Baseball got it all wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.

- Cow with no legs, ground beef.

- Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.

- Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

- Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

- Stand on toilet, get high on pot.

- If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.

- Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

- Woman who wear G-string is high on crack.

- Beauty is only a light switch away.

- Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.

- Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

- To make a long story short, don't tell it.

- He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

- Man who eat meat and peas on same plate - very unhygenic.