Just a Joke

[CMR170889]

Caution - Beware of staleness.

Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[W1nTry]

Chakra FOR YOU!!!

[CMR170889]

Thank You Very Much


It's much appreciated.

[Crixx_Creww]

bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[CMR170889]

I cah believe I buss a joke crixx like  lol

Now i scared to make anymore and put it. ---- I mite lose chakra lol


 

[Cross]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)  by maintenance engineers.
 By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................


 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
 pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[CMR170889]

Chakra      THAT REALLLLLLL BAD  lol




Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week

(NO OFFENCE TO ANY FEMALES WHAT SO EVER)



A woman's electronic hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" *



Three vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks.
The first vampire asks for blood.
The second vampire asks for blood.
The third vampire asks for some hot water.
The bartender is baffled. "Why don't you want blood like everyone else?"
"Because," says the third vampire, pulling out a USED tampon, "I'm making tea."

[Cross]

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

LOL AHAHAH

[W1nTry]

Err... who delete my post? inspite of the change... wdmc???

[CMR170889]

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.




The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She:"Oh that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He:"I found the remote."



Wedding ring

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[BeoBear]

hahah the french and german styles are the best.

[CMR170889]

Two little old ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"




Getting old

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Cross]

Please just see the joke in it


Mr. Panday was dying. He sent a message for Mr. Galbaransingh and Mr. Kuei
Tung to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his
bedroom. As they entered the room, Mr. Panday held out his hands and
motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. He grasped their
hands,sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both Kuei Tung and Galbaransingh were
touched and flattered that Mr. Panday would ask them to be with him during
his final moments.

Then Mr. Panday explained that he had given his life to Jesus. They were
happy to hear this. They were also puzzled why Mr. Panday had called them
to give them this news while he was at his last moments.

Finally, Galbaransingh asked, "Panday, why did you ask the two of us to
come?" The old man Panday mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

[CMR170889]

In a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



Happy and Sad

A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time" the wife replies "You have a much bigger dick than your brother".



Two old men

Two old men were sitting in a bar.
One said to the other, "if I die first I want you to pour a 5th of whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday?"
The other said, "do you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

[Spazosaurus]

I was watching an episode of Family Guy last night and it had this piece of dialouge in it...

Gillian (Brian's blonde girlfriend): How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Gillian: No
Brian: There you go sport
Gillian: Thank you!

[Synchronomyst]

So a bear walks into a bar...

The bartender asks the bear, "What''ll you have?"

The bear responds, "I'll have a rum...

...



...



...





...and coke."

Bartender asks, "Why the pause?"

The bear then shrugs and responds casually, "I dunno, I was born with them."

[CMR170889]

Too Hot

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[Crixx_Creww]

In a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



Happy and Sad

A man says to his wife "Say something to me that will make me both happy and sad at the same time" the wife replies "You have a much bigger dick than your brother".



Two old men

Two old men were sitting in a bar.
One said to the other, "if I die first I want you to pour a 5th of whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday?"
The other said, "do you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

bmws dont have carburettors

[CMR170889]

Are you serious? 

I did not know that at all........gotta check it out,,,,,,,well if it mess up the joke sorry...just imagine its something a BMW does have,

You know what forget the joke on the whole....it's not even that funny anyhow.

[Crixx_Creww]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)  by maintenance engineers.
 By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last ..................


 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
 pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

omfg i couldnt breathe lollolololol
i was holding back laffing so much ,tears was streaming down my face

and when i thought i could hold it back i read de lass one, lolz my boss real screwin right now lol