Just a Joke

[AvatarTT]

20 signs you might be a Nerd:

You collect funny SPAM messages.

You talk to your computers, not because you're bored, but because you're afraid they might be.

Your household ratio of computers to humans is at least 4:1.

You are completely free of tan lines.

When someone says 'organized sports' you think 'LAN party'

You have lost most of your social abilities.

You never used them anyway.

When you must converse with others, you speak a cryptic language of acronyms decipherable only by another geek.

No 'warranty seal' is safe in your presence.

You have a gigantic box of spare cables that you never use.

You could never be convinced to part with it.

You want your 21" Trinitron CRT monitor to be buried with you.

You understand why '42' and 'AYBABTU' are funny, and still laugh at both.

You're afraid of the telephone.

You're always free on Friday night. Free to play your favorite MMORPG

You consider 'Geek' a complement.

Your non geek friends have no idea what you do for a living.

Camping in the woods, without electricity, or wireless access is your idea of a nightmare not a vacation.

You have over 30 E-mail accounts, and check them all regularly.

You understand computers better than people.

[New Era Outlaw]

How to handle irritating people sitting next to you...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're sitting in a train, airplane, bus, whatever and the person next to you is annoying you, follow these simple steps:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

__________________

 

[Jarrox]

[Cross]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[EmpireKing]

NSFExams

30 sumthing things to do in an exam

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E...."

34. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #__ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

[W1nTry]

Little Johnny's at it again....
 A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but
I
hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful,"
said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's
the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied,
"NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if
it
really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The
detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why
didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are
you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I
have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
."

[Cross]

80-year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station
because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like
to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her, "Would you mind telling me a little about your first three
husbands and what they did for a living?"

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, "I first married a banker when I was in my early 20's, then a
circus ringmaster when in my 40's, later on a preacher when in my 60's,
and now, in my 80's, a funeral director."

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked, "Why did you
marry four men with such diverse careers?"

She smiled and explained
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"


*******************************************************************************
Subject: Teachers & Cops..Ya gotta love 'em

 

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

1 Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.
5.Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
14. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.'
15. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
16. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
17. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
18. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
19. 'Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'
20. 'Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
21. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
22. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
23. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
24. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
25. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
26. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
27. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
28. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

[AR!Ø]

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

[New Era Outlaw]

No, Emma....I really don't think so.

[Nephilim]

lol first time i see that i real buss out

[Trinitus]

I real connect to that last Police comment, LOL ah have something to try.

[Philosophical45]

haha, well she proved it works..lol

[Trinitus]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1.   For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2.    Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.   Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason you would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.   Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.   Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6.   The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single
"This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7.  The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying

8.  Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.  Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Crixx_Creww]

ROFL lol @ that last police comment and bout half of them teachers ting wayyyyyyyyyyyy

dem students absolutely fail at lifre roflol

[TriniXaeno]

saw this before but hahhhahaa @ 6.   The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single
"This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

[W1nTry]

WAYS!!! CHAKRA FOR YOU!!!! ROFLMAO!!!

[Cross]

True story from a ickle girl......



One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[Jdcrys_Shinkuu]

Ohhhhh DD@@MMNN

[New Era Outlaw]

...ten bucks says you never saw that coming.

[Crixx_Creww]

ill give you 20 cause iam still like O.O ... poor kitty lawl


ummz lawl could yall please stop posting english comics?
i keep trying to read them from right to left lol