Just a Joke

[Apprentice]

I'd rather have just clean jokes     I'm OK with off-color jokes too

Think you can do better? Click here to submit your jokes.

>A TRUE PLAYA
>>
>>One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry`s, house to play
>>cards
>>with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry`s wife. Mike
>>dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he
>>looked
>>across the table he saw that Terry`s wife had her legs wide open
>>and
>>no
>>panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to
>>get
>>a
>>drink of water. To his surprise, Terry`s wife had followed him into
>>the
>>kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I
>>did!"
>>Terry`s wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will
>>cost
>>you
>>£200." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
>>She
>>said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work."
>>Mike
>>said "I`ll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had
>>sex,
>>he
>>paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked "Has Mike
>>been
>>over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said "As a
>>matter
>>of
>>fact, he did."
>>
>>Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and
>>asked to borrow £200 until this evening, and he said he would leave
>>it
>>with you."
>>
>> Now, that's a true playa!

Lol...lmao wen i saw this one

[SeXiE_ToY]

LMFAO!!!! Good one Ap

[W1nTry]

LMAO, good one!!!

[Crixx_Creww]

i had to control my self from bussin dong de place crying with laughter at the little johnny joke and the turner brown joke lol lol lol

[SeXiE_ToY]

I got weak when I read them myself @ Crixx lol

I got this one in an email...
DONT LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!!!

Don't laugh" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said, "I'm a professional. In
over
20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay, then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the
tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been
bigger
than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now then, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.

[W1nTry]

WOW THAT SUCKS LMAO!!!!

[BeoBear]

I dont get it.....





(Lol kidding!! that FUNNNYYYYYYYYY)

[Apprentice]

Stewps try not to have my business in the road so nah..chups man..daz why i does not tell u nun u know..sigh..lol

[SeXiE_ToY]

Lol @ Ap... it's not the size of the 'hook', but it's how you wiggle the 'worm'! Yes, big 'pin' DOES bruise bad but yet small 'pin' DOES chook hard ..anyways...

- A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most Romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

2. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

3. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

4. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is
your head.

5. Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

6. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
d**n, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Sexie-Toy: LOL i think i should make this a post-
                     but other gatters might diss the host!

[SeXiE_ToY]

A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"

[W1nTry]

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2.Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6.Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am notinjured yet."
24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father : A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......

[Crixx_Creww]

http://www.2spare.com/item_66642.aspx

http://www.2spare.com/item_65657.aspx

ahahha omfg lawllzzzzz america's funniest law suits as well!! ahahahha america is de worst!!
ahhaahah america's funniest lawz

this is a complete wdmc thread type deal lawl lawl

putting salt on a train track is punishable by death in alabama hahahaha wtf???

[SeXiE_ToY]

LOL @ W1n...

- The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[SeXiE_ToY]

Bad Bathroom Experience
Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your 'shlong'?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

[Nephilim]

Chakra IYMC!!!!

that is ah good one

[SeXiE_ToY]

Thanks for the chakra WASD 

-A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read
"Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken!
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?

I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a
chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

[Netizen1]

That joke real high oui!

LOL @ not wanting to eat what came out of it's mouth but wanting scrambled eggs...

that's a seriously high one fuh real...

[New Era Outlaw]

A zookeeper was making his rounds in the zoo, when he noticed that the gorilla exhibit was completely empty.
He then decided, "Hm. Looks like we need to get some new gorillas."
He travelled to Africa, and hired a troupe to help him hunt down some gorillas, consisting of a native, a dog and a gunman.

The group travelled deep in the jungle, when the zookeeper asked the native:
"So....talk to me. Just how do you guys hunt gorillas?"

The native turned around.
"Ah.....I am so glad you asked that, my friend. Come, I will show you."

The native led the group to a tall tree.
He then climbed up the tree. Putting his finger to his lips, he went "Blblblblblblblblblbl".
Sure enough, a gorilla appears, going "Blblblblblblblblbl".
The native then bops the gorilla on the nose, and the gorilla falls down the tree.
The dog then rushed the gorilla, clamped down on its testicles hard with its teeth until it turned blue in the face, thrashed it around a bit, and flung it in the back of the truck.

The zookeeper was astonished.
"Wow. We've hardly been in this jungle for an hour, and we've already found a gorilla. These guys are good."

The native then went up to another tree, and did the same thing.
He climbed up, went "Blblblblblblblblbl", and a gorilla came down, going "Blblblblblblblblbl", then he bopped it on the nose, it fell down, the dog rushed it and bit down on its testicles until it turned blue in the face, and flung it in the back of the truck.

The zookeeper truly was impressed.
"Two gorillas in two hours! MAN, these guys are good."

He was, however, a bit curious.
In all of this, it seemed, the gunman had absolutely nothing to do with how the native captured gorillas. So, he tapped the native on the shoulder.

"I must say that I'm rather impressed with the way you guys capture gorillas."

The native smiled. "Thanks."

"But, tell me something. It doesn't seem like that gunman does anything. Couldn't I just pay for you and the dog?"

The native looked at him. "When you came here, the deal was to take us all as a group, right?"

Yes....I...I guess so."

The native then told him. "Don't worry. He's a very important part of the group."

The native then found another tall tree. He climbed it and went "Blblblblblblblblbl!!"
A rather ticked off gorilla leapt from the tree, went "Blblblblblblblblbl!!", bopped the native on the nose, and sent the poor man falling down off of the tree.

The native then shouted to the gunman.

"Quick.....quick......SHOOT THE DAMN DOG!!!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A policeman was making his rounds in Woodford Square, when he ran across a man tossing white powder all over the place. He then went up to the man and asked:

"Excuse me...sir, what yuh doing?"

The man stopped what he was doing and turned to him.

"Oh...sorry officah. Ah was just dusting the place with this bag of gorilla powder."

The policeman looked baffled.

"Gorilla powder?"

The man answered: " Yeah. It supposed to keep gorillas away."

The policeman steups. "Sir, yuh gone mad or wha? It ent have no gorillas in Port of Spain!"

The man smiled. "... see how well it wuking?"

[Cross]

LOL yea NEO GOOD TWO

[SeXiE_ToY]

LOL yea NEO GOOD TWO

Yea for real... *laughs like a jammet*

-BEEN EXPECTING YOU

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment?".
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted !!