Just a Joke

[daniboy79]

not really a joke, but it made me laugh...

MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then..........

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in

Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.............

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

[W1nTry]

That would be George Carlin... anyways

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men develop female characteristics.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

[Cross]

oh im going to show that to my female co-workers

[BloodWar]

Short one

A boy walks up to his father
Boy: Daddy how many blonde jokes are there?
Father : Only 1 son the rest are true stories

[Cross]

Not one of the best


Two Chimps and a Blonde?

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left
over---
so now we're going to Sea World.




*******************************************************************

Technically NSFW


Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never
laughed at a patient."

Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest p3nis the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then, Fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me."
 
On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
 

Now...what seems to be the problem?"
 
The patient replied, "Its swollen."


****************************************************************************


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -
stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

[Cross]

sorry about the double post but the other one done long already
I've highlighted my favourite ones

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
 
When a woman steals a husband,  there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
 
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
paying."
 
A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
 
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got
 married,  and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk
in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still
alive."
 
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man ,
to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for
his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him.



*****************************************


HOW TO KNOW IF UR SANE!!!!!
 

The Bathtub Test


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and

this should help get you started.

 

 During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined

whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 “Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
 
 "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
 bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

[NEEKSBOD]

Potential & Reality
 
 

 A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
with two sluts."

 
 
 

[W1nTry]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the
machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

7 Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8 As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended
the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan n at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family, unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.       

[Cross]

LOL AAHAHAH good one W1n



Every morning John would drive by Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.

After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced, was not too pleased, but said nothing.

After a while John started to give the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting $5.00 and said, "Wah happening man?" "Yuh use to give me $10.00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now dis?"

John replied, "Boy, times get hard. Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School...so yuh know how it does go..."

The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how much chirren yuh have boss?"

"Four" replied John

The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending yuh chirren to school?"




***********************************************************************
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old lady: There I was, sitting there on my swing on my front porch, on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly!

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some thirty years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbinh made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man, take me!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell no!! He just yelled, 'April Fools!'

And that's when I shot him, the little b@stard !!

[AR!Ø]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[W1nTry]

DAT was bad! chakra for you!

[AR!Ø]

Today is my father's 50th. birthday and just cuz of that I remembered this one which he spent about 15 minutes cracking up (and struggling to not show it) while on a plane, which I thought was as funny as the joke...It's possibly NSFW, so here goes:


Three old men in a home are playind dominos and just old talking in general.
The first one begins
"Boy I have real troubles in my old age. 65 years and I don't know...every morning at 6 I piss like a race horse for a good 15-20 minutes."

The next one shares his troubles
"You think that's bad? 76 years I goin now, and for the past 5 I HAVE to get up and shit like a greedy cow with diahorrea around 5:30 am. That's why my asshole son agreed with his bitch wofe to put me in here"

The last one, the oldest cackles mirthlessly at these two proclamations and throws in his lot:
"You two have it nice compared to me. Every God day, as if at the crack of dawn I piss like a diabetic in winter right before my bowels show me that they're the best muscles in my body that feel young."

the other two say:
"wow thats bad"

He shakes his head and replies:
"The worst part? I don't wake up until 9"

[Cross]

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show. We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

And Leno's comment upon hearing the story is PERFECT!!!
 
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
 
The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
 
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
 
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before.
 
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.
 
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
 
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere!
 
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
 
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, the re came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the
road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
 
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
 
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
 
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.
 
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
 
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
 
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
 
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
 
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
 
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first  ;
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
 
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in
laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that
should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
 
Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.
 
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[AR!Ø]

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

___________________________________________________________________________

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.

"Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes.

"Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.

"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes.

"Do you know what that is?" The boy nods.

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

[NEEKSBOD]

Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."

[Cross]

lol cute...

>This is very funny - i would not have forwarded it if it wasnt - and
>dont try to hide it cuz you know deep down that this is not strange
>stuff u reading!!! :-)
>
> >HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> >
> >We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
> >convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
> >who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking
> >a dump at work.
> >
> >CROP DUSTING
> >When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
> >in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
> >came from.
> >Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
> >expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
> >pants.
> >
> >FLY BY
> >The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
> >Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
> >bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
> >FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
> >constantly going into the bathroom.
> >
> >ESCAPEE
> >A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
> >poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
> >embarrassment.
> >If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
> >Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
> >the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
> >No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making
> >a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
> >
> >JAILBREAK
> >When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
> >This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
> >should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
> >left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
> >occurred.
> >
> >COURTESY FLUSH
> >The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
> >This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
> >bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
> >SHAME.
> >
> >WALK OF SHAME
> >Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
> >stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
> >someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
> >that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
> >COURTESY FLUSH.
> >
> >OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
> >A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
> >You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
> >with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
> >the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
> >bathroom.
> >
> >THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
> >A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
> >goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
> >whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
> >
> >SAFE HAVENS
> >A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
> >expect visitors.. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
> >sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
> >bathroom.
> >
> >TURD BURGLAR
> >Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
> >force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
> >moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
> >remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
> >avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
> >
> >CAMO-COUGH
> >A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
> >are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
> >alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
> >conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
> >
> >ASTAIRE
> >A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
> >you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
> >is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
> >so the pooper can poop in peace.
> >
> >WATERMELON
> >A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
> >is also an embarrassing incident.
> >If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
> >CAMO-COUGH.
> >
> >HAVANA OMELET
> >A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
> >toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
> >with an Astaire.
> >
> >UNCLE TED
> >A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
> >Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
> >sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on
> >the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
> >empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
> >
> >WATER SPOUT
> >A situation in which the waste that has just been deployed forces the
> >water in which it was submerged, is force back onto the rectum of the
> >pooping worker.
> >Such a situation can be prevented with a CATCHER'S MIT
> >
> >CATCHER'S MIT
> >The process in which the pooper, prior to deploying his waste, lays
> >down a primary bunch of toilet paper in order to prevent a Water
> >Spout. As the waste hits the floating toilet paper, it is met with a
> >soft
>cushion that does not disturb the water.




*********************************************************************


A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the
middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah!
Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!" The doctor came over and told  the father

"Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"  The father obliged,
and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The  father cried out:
"Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de  proud faada a wan baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father,
"Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The father again  complied,
and to be sure, another cry was heard. The father excitedly  proclaimed:
"A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly  bless! Glory to Gad!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp  higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough,
a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered,
"Oh Tank Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher.
Hold di lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was
heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep  thought. The doctor for a
fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp  higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!"

The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"

[Cross]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.

[W1nTry]

Chakra for you!!!

[NEEKSBOD]

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

[AvatarTT]

^^ OMG XD