Author Topic: Just a Joke (Read 215551 times)

CMR170889 · « **Reply #720 on:** June 03, 2007, 08:22:17 PM »

8 months pregnant

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I
>could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

A Green Spot

A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Giving Birth

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Carigamers · « **Reply #720 on:** June 03, 2007, 08:22:17 PM »

W1nTry · « **Reply #721 on:** June 04, 2007, 10:20:20 AM »

Oh F^&( at that last one... LOL!!!

W1nTry · « **Reply #722 on:** June 11, 2007, 10:31:04 AM »

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

W1nTry · « **Reply #723 on:** June 11, 2007, 02:57:22 PM »

One for the guys:

CMR170889 · « **Reply #724 on:** June 11, 2007, 03:10:32 PM »

Nice one with the swing................ LOVE the pic..chakra........where can i get one? (for my gf nut me lol)

Carigamers · « **Reply #724 on:** June 11, 2007, 03:10:32 PM »

New Era Outlaw · « **Reply #725 on:** June 11, 2007, 05:45:32 PM »

Man. That's one BSOD I'm actually looking forward to seeing.

W1nTry · « **Reply #726 on:** June 18, 2007, 08:29:31 AM »

I've read that one more than once before, still funny though

Netizen1 · « **Reply #727 on:** June 28, 2007, 08:34:18 AM »

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch-less underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotch-less undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

W1nTry · « **Reply #728 on:** June 28, 2007, 09:42:46 AM »

CHAKRA FOR DAT ONE!!!!

W1nTry · « **Reply #729 on:** June 28, 2007, 01:44:34 PM »

Wants a raise.......

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Sincerely,
The Penis

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take the initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Spazosaurus · « **Reply #730 on:** July 02, 2007, 06:21:48 PM »

hahahhahah @ penis entering and leaving the workplace with 2 suspicious loking bags. Chakra!!

Nephilim · « **Reply #731 on:** July 03, 2007, 09:22:29 PM »

Option i would like to see

Cross · « **Reply #732 on:** July 05, 2007, 07:48:25 AM »

Quote from: The_Unknown on July 02, 2007, 06:21:48 PM

hahahhahah @ penis entering and leaving the workplace with 2 suspicious loking bags. Chakra!!

LOL!!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a Kirby Vacuum Cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in High-Powered Kirby Vacuum Cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money.

"I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as flash , the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty " he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her
hallway carpet.
"If this Kirby vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet , Madam , I will personally eat the remainder. "
The old lady stepped back and said.....

"Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite
because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part
of broke do you not understand ? "

EmpireKing · « **Reply #733 on:** July 05, 2007, 09:05:01 AM »

chkra for u....twas funny

CMR170889 · « **Reply #734 on:** July 06, 2007, 02:36:06 PM »

An American golfer
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found
a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

CMR170889 · « **Reply #735 on:** July 08, 2007, 11:47:36 AM »

A senior citizen
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

Question

Q: What do you call a fly without legs?
A: A walk!

And

Q: What do you call a dead bee?
A: A was.

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senior, sometimes the bull wins".

Brain

I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... left, and right. The left part has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it

Manners

A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table'.
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: 'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'

Waiste

Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'
Answer: 'because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste'
(no offense intended with this one)

A funeral service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Money Coming In

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.
Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.
The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now, there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has."
The little boy thought for awhile and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why"? asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money waiting when you get there!"

Cross · « **Reply #736 on:** July 10, 2007, 07:55:16 AM »

One time ah Trini and a Guyanese were neighbors. The Trini owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day the Trini looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Guyanese's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Guyanese pick up the egg.

The Trini ran up to the Guyanese and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Guyanese disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Trini said,
"Back home, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in your kook-a-looks and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in my kook-a-looks and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Guyanese agreed to this and so the Trini went inside and found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Guyanese and kicked him as hard as he could in his balls.WHOOTOOP! The Guyanese fell to the floor clutching his groin howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Guyanese stood up and said,
"Now it's my turn to kick you,"
The Trini said,
"Nah,Nah, You keep the egg."

2.

Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on the Churchill R. Highway with these balloons trailing about a few yards behind him?

Nephilim · « **Reply #737 on:** July 11, 2007, 11:36:16 PM »

i was watching Chappelle some time ago and well allyuh know what skit i reffering too, hint : breakfast cereal
then i ran some dota, I -ar siren, the connection was made and...

Cross · « **Reply #738 on:** July 12, 2007, 11:36:28 AM »

Optimus seems to be in trouble

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/7/9weaver.html

Jdcrys_Shinkuu · « **Reply #739 on:** July 13, 2007, 07:46:26 PM »

WWAAAAYAYYYYYY !!!! if the pic with rockets didnt take it ... the prime letter did.... nice....

Carigamers · « **Reply #739 on:** July 13, 2007, 07:46:26 PM »

Author Topic: Just a Joke (Read 215551 times)

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