Just a Joke

[KillZone]

Trini died and went to hell He was a horrible man throughout life and the devil really wanted to punish him, so he put him to work breaking up rocks with a sledge hammer. To make things worst, he cranked up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days the Devil checked on the Trini to see if he was suffering enough. The Devil was aghast as he looks at the Trini happily swinging the hammer and whistling a happy tune.

Devil : I raised the temperature high and you still happy.
Trini : Reminds me of back home in August, I could handle it.
The Devil, perplexed decided to drop the temperature and sends down torrential rain that caused massive flood and mudslides. When he visited the Trini, he was still happy and whistling.
Devil : I lowered the temperature, sent rain, flood and landslide and you still happy?
Trini : Just like April in Trinidad.
The Devil now completely perplexed decided to lower the temperature to minus 40 degrees. When he visited the Trini he was still happy and this time dancing and singing.
Devil : I really can't understand what's happening here. How could you be so happy, when hell's freezing over?
Trini : Hell's frozen over, that means Soca Boys qualify for the world cup, West Indies cricket team is winning again, and T & T finally has an honest government.

[KillZone]

Here is an article sets out to explore the dynamics of LIMING in Trinidad it too long so i jus putting the link . Take a read it interesting...

http://www.skettel.com/liming/

[Narcissus]

 Funny Joke - Ironic Celebrity Deaths
   
Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night
RuPaul - Prostate cancer
O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
Madonna - Exposure
Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window

 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Why dont witches wear panties?
   
Better grip on the broom. 
 
 

[Narcissus]

CIA Training
   
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her

The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair. 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Top 10 Funny Store Signs
   
1.Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.

2.Outside a hotel: Help We need inn-experienced people.

3.On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes, Sit Stay

5.At the electric company: We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont you will be.

6.On the door of a computer store: Out for a quick byte.

7.In a restaurant window: Dont stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.

8.Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

10.In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Top 10 Reasons to come to work naked
   
10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if its like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. Id love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00 ever again.
 
 

[Narcissus]

CHINESE PROVERBS
   
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
 
 
 

[Narcissus]

The Cannibal Test
   
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, I brought ten
apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or youll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it? The
second one replied, I couldnt help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples. 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Hung Chows Boss
   
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house. 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Questions that will always remain unanswered
   
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
6. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids? 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Funny Questions
   
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
arent people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If its true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didnt zigzag?
 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Arabs-
   
It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers...

The son, not understanding, asks his father What are the Twin Towers? The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them.

The son looks up to his father, and asks, And what are the Arabs? 
 

[Narcissus]

Alcohol Labels
   
The following warning labels will be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy
WARNING: The consumption of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode 
 
 

[Narcissus]

Pussy Cats? ...
 
 
...  Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
 
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"

The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.

Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted,

"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thought for a moment and replied,

"How did you know my name was Katz?"
 

[Narcissus]

European Union Decision on Official Language


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!

[Narcissus]

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

[TriniXaeno]

rofl @ english degenerating to german.

and to think at first it sounded so sensible

[Narcissus]

new joke: the pic in my sig is of Bill Gates in the 70's when he got arrested for some driving misdemeanor

[Narcissus]

Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza." The warden serves him his Pepperoni Pizza, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Frenchman requests Filet Mignon. The warden serves him his Filet Mignon, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Jamaican requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES???"
"Yes, strawberries."
The warden replies, "but they're out of season!"
"So?" replies the Jamaican. "I man will wait...."