Just a Joke

[KillZone]

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

[KillZone]

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

[KillZone]

A Group Of Four Very Close Friends 

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline." 


A Husband's Moment of Realization 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
 


 

[KillZone]

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

[KillZone]

Anything But Cheerios 

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!'' 


A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY 

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
 

[KillZone]

A Blonde's Brain At Work 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."


Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
 

[Imperial_X]

A man walks into a bar........................................OUCH!!!!!!!!

[KillZone]

Yo mama's fart stinks so bad that George Bush declared it biological warfare.

Yo mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"

Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.

Yo mama's so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

[KillZone]

THINGS MY TRINI MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. "Yuh go get ah good cut ass when we get home!"
My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES. "If yuh run across de road an' ah car lick yu dong, ah goin' kill yuh wid licks."
My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION. "If yuh doh go to school, yuh go pick up garbage on de street."

[KillZone]

SIMPLE FRIEND VS. REAL FRIEND VS. TRINI FRIEND
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A TRINI FRIEND CAUSE DE DAMN TEARS IN DE FIRST PLACE

A simple friend doesn't know your parent's first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A TRINI FRIEND KNOW WHERE DEY LIVIN', WHAT DEY COOKIN' ON WHAT DAY AND WILL SHOW UP AT THEIR DOORSTEPS

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean
A TRINI FRIEND COME LATE, BRING A SET OF PEOPLE AND THEN TALK ABOUT YOU WHEN ALL DE FOOD AND BOOZE DONE

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A TRINI FRIEND SCREENIN' DE CALL AND DON'T ANSWER WHEN IS YOU

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS AND CRY WID YOU, EVEN OFFER TO HELP YOU, THEN TELL EVERYBODY AND ADD A LITTLE MORE JUICE TO THE STORY

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history,
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A TRINI FRIEND WILL BLACKMAIL YOU AND STILL TELL EVERYBODY

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
OH GOSH...A TRINI FRIEND OPEN YUH FRIDGE, CLEAN IT OUT, COMPLAIN YUH AIN'T HAVE ENOUGH, THEN TELL DE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD DEY MOUTH WAS DRY

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.
A TRINI FRIEND TELL EVERYBODY DEY DONE WITH YOU AND TELL THEM DOH TALK TO YOU AND SHOW UP IN YOUR HOUSE WITH BIG HUG AND TING

A simple friend expects you to be always there for them.
A real friend expects to be always there for you!
A TRINI FRIEND WILL SAY HE DOING SOMETHING REAL IMPORTANT AND WILL CALL BACK, NEXT THING YOU HEAR, HE REALLY WAS GOING TO THE ANCHORAGE FETE

[KillZone]

So these three people were on death row. An Italian fella, a Jamaican and ah Trini.
They were all scheduled to be executed the same day. So just before that time they were offered their last meal
When they ask the Italian fella what he wanted for his last meal he quickly said some lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs and a bottle of wine.
So they give him his last meal and about half hour after he finish they took him into the room and Zap!!! He dead.
Then they asked the Jamaican guy what he wanted for his last meal. Poor fella he frighten but he tell himself if he has to go he better go with he belly full. So he said he wanted some peas and rice, jerk chicken and a big seamoss.
So they give him his last meal and about half hour after he finish they took him into the room and Zap!!! He dead.
Then they asked the Trini what he wanted for his last meal.
Without even thinking de Trini say "Man I really want six ripe Julie mangos."
So they tell him "Sir, Julie mangos not in season right now and they wouldn't be untill next year"

Mr. Trini smile and say "Is uright, I go wait."

[KillZone]

Carnival Do's & Don'ts
DO NOT....Attempt to "throw waist" on ah young girl wit' ah 6' 6" ignorant boyfren'...funeral home close up for de season.! Girls dis applies to you too, dem fellars woman cuffin real hard now ah days.
DO NOT....Drink an' drive... alcohol is ah expensive t'ing- plus yuh could spill it on yuh nice clothes.
DO NOT....Feel dat de red-woman who smile an' jump wit' you in de ban' Tuesday, go even want tuh SMELL yuh on Ash Wednesday...ax she husband!
DO NOT....Stan' up in front of dem speakers tuh "get de vibes". is not ah walkman an' I eh shoutin' at nobody after Carnival.!
DO NOT....Buy corn soup from ah Rastaman name "Dutty".
DO NOT....Go to ah fete wit' shoes dat have strap... unless yuh like walkin' barefoot(dis is not ah formal occasion..USE yuh sense l'il bit, nah..!
DO NOT....Wear white on J'ouvert morning.
DO NOT....Feel you is de bes' swimmer in Maracas Bay... we eh have time tuh look for yuh till after Ash Wednesday! (AHEM!)
DO NOT....Argue wit' ah drunk coconut vendor because "it eh have no jelly"... de man obviously know how tuh use ah cutlass! (yuh could spell 'CHOP' an' 'PLANASS'??)
DO NOT....Wear ah size "Small" costume, if yuh nickname is "T'ick T'ing

[KillZone]

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole.  They waitedand waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."


A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow

"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.

"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

[KillZone]

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

[KillZone]

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[KillZone]

Trini Again

On a BWIA flight from New York to Trinidad, the aircraft passes through a severe storm over the Bahamas. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse until suddenly in the height of the storm one wing of the plane is struck by lightning. 
A yankee woman seated near the front is so scared that she loses iit completely. Screaming hysterically, she stands up in the aisle yelling at the top of her lungs: "I'm too young to die! I'm too young to die!!!". Then she adds, "Well, if I'm going to die, I at least want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my lifetime, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this planewho can make me feel like a WOMAN at least ONCE before I die??" 

For a moment there is stunned silence in the cabin. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate yankee woman in the front of the plane. 

Then, a Trini man stands up in the rear of the plane. "Ah could make yuh feel like a woman," he says in a deep, melodious voice.

He's handsome, tall, well-built, looking good like only a Trini man could. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The air is electric in the cabin as he approaches the woman, who is now flushed and breathing heavily in anticipation. He removes his shirt. Bulging muscles ripple across his chest, belly and arms as he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: 

"Iron dis fuh meh, nah?"

[KillZone]

Ways to tell someone their fly is open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

[KillZone]

Sunburnt Manhood
A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated
her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"

[New Era Outlaw]

Oh, JESUS, Killzone.
That last one ROFFLED my WAFFLES.
Serious LOLLAGE to the Nth degree.

[KillZone]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked increduously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was also my first day with the hook."