Is parenthood for you?
Rate your readiness to have a baby
For some people this is the world's easiest question -- they've always been able to see themselves as parents, they have their life set up the way they want it, and they're ready to go. Others go back and forth on this one for years, or feel the need to do a little serious wobbling before taking the plunge. Some just never get the call. Wherever you are on the spectrum, even if you know you want to do it, you can make a conscious decision about whether to become a parent.
If you're having trouble deciding whether you want to have a child, or are just wondering whether you're ready to take on this lifelong project, we hope this section will help you get closer to a decision. One thing's for sure: No one has to have children. The world's not short on people to populate it, and whether to become a parent is completely up to you and whatever hopes and dreams you have for your life.
The hardship factor
And it's a big decision, not to be taken lightly. Being a parent is really fun, and satisfying in a way you can't fully imagine when you don't have children. And it's really hard work -- more work than you can imagine until you've done it. It's hard because of the sheer volume of demands on your time and energy, with few breaks to refresh and recharge; it's hard because parents almost never have enough time, money, emotional support, training, or preparation to do the job they want to do; it's hard because it puts your own emotional issues squarely in your face as your children inevitably push every button you have; and it's hard because the mistakes you make -- and you'll make some, for sure -- affect the ones you love the most: your children.
Having a child is a major life change, and because women everywhere bear the major responsibility for raising children, it's a change that in general affects women's lives more than men's. It means adding the way society treats parents (not well) on top of the way society treats women (ditto). "Parenting -- the vitally important job of raising the next generation -- is treated economically almost like a hobby," says Patty Wipfler, founder of the Parents Leadership Institute in Palo Alto, California. "Women already don't get enough pay, support, or recognition for their contributions to society, and becoming a parent kind of squares that." Men as a whole are more involved as parents today than ever before, but the day-to-day housework, meal-making, emotional counseling, childcare, purchasing, and household details and logistics still tend to fall -- unpaid -- to the woman of the house.
That's not to say it's an easy decision for men. Both men and women face unhappy tradeoffs between work and parenthood in modern society, with women usually having to choose parenting to the detriment of work, and men usually having to choose work to the detriment of parenting. Men's patterns of workaholism, reinforced by most workplaces today, are fueled by a new sense of responsibility for the family. Long hours of work increase the sense of emotional isolation that most men deal with anyway, and many feel frustrated at not being able to be the kind of father they wish they could be.
A reality check
With all the romanticized images of children and parenthood floating around, hardly anyone gets a realistic idea of what it's like to be a parent before they actually become one. If you never had to carry a 5-pound sack of flour around for a week in junior high, psychologist Harriet Lerner's book The Mother Dance: How Children Change You can serve as an on-paper preview, or you can always get a real-life glimpse by caring for a friend's or relative's baby overnight. Or try assuming you've made the decision to have a child and then spend a week thinking about how that makes you feel and all the ways your life would change; then assume you've decided not to have one and live with that for a week.
Parenthood isn't for everyone. Maybe you've never wanted children; maybe you have other ambitions for yourself that caring for children would make impossible. "We are this wonderfully creative species," says Mindy Toomay, a fiction and cooking writer and teacher who at 47 is entirely comfortable with her decision not to have children. "But so many people never explore their creative or spiritual potential because family demands get in the way. For me it felt like it would be an impediment -- it has been for a lot of people I know, particularly women." Essayist Katherine Griffin has written movingly of her choice not to have children and to pursue other dreams in Childless by Choice. And certainly there are instances of people becoming parents and then regretting their decision.
Then again, some people are surprised by how much they like being a parent. "I did catering during high school so I wouldn't have to babysit," says Sally Webb, now the mother of two small boys. "But I found I really love being a mom."
Most people, especially women, are brought up to expect that they'll be parents. From baby dolls to baby showers, girls and women are surrounded by images and expectations from parents, peers, religion, advertising, and the media. But the decision to be a parent is not up to your mother, your father, your friends, your church, or even any expectations you might have grown up with. It's your life, and it's up to you.
Are you ready to have a baby?
The following series of questions, developed by our staff with help from San Francisco psychotherapists Ann Davidman and Denise Carlini, is designed for you to discuss with your partner or a friend, mull over on your own, write about in your journal, take to your therapist -- whatever helps you take a good look at them. If you would be having a child with a partner, show these questions to your partner and see whether you would be comfortable with his or her answers. The questions are meant to be answered by both men and women.
Davidman and Carlini lead separate weekend workshops for men and women called "Motherhood: Is It for Me?" and "Fatherhood: Is It for Me?" to help people get closer to making this important decision. (You can inquire about taking their workshops by calling 415 / 752-9165.) "A lot of our work is helping people to understand their ambivalence so they can move on to the next step of making a decision," says Davidman. "We've found that ambivalence can be a result of emotional issues the person isn't completely aware of, such as unresolved grief."
They suggest you start by asking What do you want for you? This is regardless of your current situation, regardless of what you might have to go through to get what you want, such as finding a partner if you want one. If you think you might want a child, don't even ask yourself at this point how that will come about -- whether biologically, through adoption, or whatever. Just concentrate on your personal wishes and desires.
> Do you currently spend time with children? Do you enjoy it?
> What did you enjoy about being a child? What didn't you enjoy?
> What did you appreciate about the parenting you received? What didn't go well?
> What messages did you get about what a parent is supposed to be?
> How do you feel as you answer these questions?
