This reminds me a lot of the guys who play the political roles in Utopia,
they are experts at this sort of stuff. Lots of real-life budding political
scientists and psychologists play the game so these techniques are fairly
common.
========================================
King of the Dead: Who enters my domain?
Aragorn: One who will have your allegiance.
King of the Dead: The Dead do not suffer the living to pass (MUHAHAHAHA!!).
Aragorn: YOU WILL SUFFER ME!!
King of the Dead: The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and
the dead keep it. The way is shut! Now you must DIE!!
========================================
-----Original Message-----
From: gatt-admin@gatt.co.tt [mailto:gatt-admin@gatt.co.tt] On Behalf Of
Richard Jobity
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2004 10:41 AM
To: gatt@gatt.co.tt
Cc: SaltPrune (E-mail)
Subject: {GATT} Life under the Chief Doublespeak Officer
http://www.dt.org/html/Doublespeak.htmlLife under the Chief Doublespeak Officer
By William Lutz
If there's one product American business can produce in large amounts, it's
doublespeak. Doublespeak is language that only pretends to say something;
it's language that hides, evades or misleads.
Doublespeak comes in many forms, from the popular buzzwords that everyone
uses but no one really understands - "glocalization," "competitive
dynamics," "re-equitizing" and "empowerment" - to language that tries to
hide meaning: "re-engineering," "synergy," "adjustment," "restructure" and
"force management program."
With doublespeak, no truck driver is the worst driver, just the "least-best"
driver, and bribes and kickbacks are called "rebates" or "fees for product
testing." Even robbery can be magically transformed with doublespeak, as a
bank in Texas did when it declared a robbery of an ATM to be an "authorized
transaction." Willie Sutton would have loved to have heard that.
Automobile junkyards, junk and used car parts have become "auto dismantlers
and recyclers" who sell "predismantled, previously owned parts." Don't want
people to know you're in the business of disposing of radioactive and
chemical wastes? Then call your company "U.S. Ecology Inc."
Wages may not be increasing, but the doublespeak of job titles sure has
increased. These days, your job title has to have the word "chief" in it.
How many kinds of "chiefs" are there? Try these titles on for size: Chief
Nuclear Officer, Chief Procurement Officer, Chief Information Officer, Chief
Learning Officer, Chief Transformation Officer, Chief Cultural Officer,
Chief People Officer, Chief Ethics Officer, Chief Turnaround Officer, Chief
Technology Officer, and Chief Creative Officer. After all the "operations
improvement" corporations have undergone, you have to wonder who all those
"chiefs" are leading. Never before have so few been led by so many.
These days, a travel agent may be called a "travel counselor," "vacation
specialist," "destination counselor" or "reservation specialist." As part of
their merger, Chase Manhattan Bank and Chemical Bank decided that the
position of "Relationship Manager" would be divided between executives of
both banks. What is a "Relationship Manager"? Once upon a time this person
was called a salesman. And if you're late in paying your bill after buying
something from one of these "Relationship Managers," you'll be called by the
"Persistency Specialist," or bill collector. If you're "downsized," the
"Outplacement Consultant" or unemployment counselor will help you with
"re-employment engineering," or how to find another job.
With doublespeak, banks don't have "bad loans" or "bad debts"; they have
"nonperforming assets" or "nonperforming credits" which are "rolled over" or
"rescheduled." Corporations never lose money; they just experience "negative
cash flow," "deficit enhancement," "net profit revenue deficiencies," or
"negative contributions to profits."
No one gets fired these days, and no one gets laid off. If you're high
enough in the corporate pecking order, you "resign for personal reasons."
(And then you're never unemployed; you're just in an "orderly transition
between career changes.")
But even those far below the lofty heights of corporate power are not fired
or laid off. Firing workers is such big business in these days of
"re-engineering," "restructuring" and "downsizing" that there are companies
whose business is helping other companies fire their workers. (Think about
that for a minute.) These companies provide "termination and outplacement
consulting" for corporations involved in "reduction activities." In other
words, they teach companies how to fire or lay off workers. During these
days of "cost rationalization," companies fire or lay off workers many
different ways. How do I fire thee? Let me count the ways.
Companies make "workforce adjustments," "headcount reductions," "census
reductions," or institute a program of "negative employee retention."
Corporations offer workers "vocational relocation," "career assignment and
relocation," a "career change opportunity," or "voluntary termination."
Workers are "dehired," "deselected," "selected out," "repositioned,"
"surplussed," "rightsized," "correct sized," "excessed," or "uninstalled."
Some companies "initiate operations improvements," "assign candidates to a
mobility pool," "implement a skills mix adjustment," or "eliminate
redundancies in the human resources area."
One company denied it was laying off 500 people at its headquarters. "We
don't characterize it as a layoff," said the corporate doublespeaker
(sometimes called a spin doctor). "We're managing our staff resources.
Sometimes you manage them up, and sometimes you manage them down."
Congratulations. You've just been managed down, you staff resource you.
An automobile company announced the closing of an entire assembly plant and
the elimination of over 8,000 jobs by announcing "a volume-related
production schedule adjustment." Not to be outdone by its rival, another car
company "initiated a career alternative enhancement program"' that enhanced
over 5,000 workers out of their jobs. By calling the permanent shutdown of a
steel plant an "indefinite idling," a corporation thought that it wouldn't
have to pay severance or pension benefits to the workers who were left
without jobs.
Doublespeak can pay for the company, but usually not for the workers who
lose their jobs.
As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us." Or maybe Dilbert got it
better: "Do we really get paid for writing this stuff?"
--------------
William Lutz is professor of English at Rutgers University and author of the
new book The New Doublespeak: Why No One Knows What Anyone's Saying Anymore.
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