Just think about it this way: If the year was 1982 and a gentleman approached you and said that he had a machine that would supply you with unlimited free pornography with no strings attached, how much would you pay for this machine? Exactly.
Can you remember life before the internet? It was weird. You had to interact with people face to face, you had to visit the bank, and you had to read books and magazines like some sort of caveman. Although the internet has made our lives easier in myriad ways, it also can’t be overlooked for its contributions to the arts, academia, and highbrow discussions of the human form.That said, how would we convey to people in the future (or past) exactly what we’re doing with the internet? Rather than launch into a diatribe about the ramifications of the digital age, it would probably be easier and more efficient to show a curious party an array of websites to demonstrate what we’re doing with this crazy thing called the internet. So here are nine examples.1. The Mindless Timewaster WebsiteThe internet gets a bad rap for being a monumental time suck that torpedoes productivity and turns people into idiots. To which I say: It’s a package deal. If you want to bank online from your telephone and be able to read the works of Virgil from the Library of Congress’ website, then you’re going to have to deal with sites like this. It’s not for me to judge. I mean, there’s mindless crap all over television and no one is saying that TV rots your brain. Oh? They are? Shit. Let’s move on.2. The Social Media WebsiteFacebook gets more traffic than any other website in the world, so I would be remiss if I didn’t address its impact on people both online and in real life. Personally, I have found myself back in touch with several friends from over twenty years ago all thanks to this nifty little website. It meshes internet dating, filesharing, communication, and networking like no site before it ever has and shows very little sign of slowing down, privacy outcries be damned. Though social media sites have been kicking around for about fifteen years or so, never has one co-opted the social consciousness as quickly or powerfully as Facebook. This powerful network comes at a price, though. Single men and women are now subject to an endless barrage of baby pictures and meaningless status updates that rhetorically ask if it’s Friday yet.3. The Phenomenon WebsiteOne of the most remarkable aspects of the internet is its ability to facilitate sharing and viral marketing efforts. Consequently we get YouTube videos that get 15 million hits and this glorious bastard. A decade of internet phenomenon has demonstrated to us that the dumber and less important the thing being shared is, the faster it will spread. Isn’t that right, keyboard cat?4. Online Shopping SiteWhat if I told you that there was a site called Amazon.com where you could buy every item that is currently offered for sale anywhere in the world? Are you calling me a liar? Well, that was an exaggeration, but only a small one. I applaud the internet and its creator, Al Gore, if only for the reason that they have found a way for me to do my Christmas shopping without having to deal with all those mouthbreathers at the mall. Internet – a grateful nation thanks you.5. The Search EngineA simple invention that we take for granted now, the search engine helps us with what would otherwise be an enormous problem: sorting through all this crap on the internet to find what we are looking for? Google is like a little librarian that lives in your computer and doesn’t tell you to shut up every time you sneeze. In addition to helping the end user, search engines also control a large part of the advertising dollars that get allocated toward internet marketing. So if it wasn’t for Google, there would probably be thousands of marketing people in soup kitchen lines with their square glasses and MacBook laptops. No one wins there.6. The “Great Idea” SitesLike those behind Google, some visionaries see the potential of the internet and harness it make something that’s actually useful. The ability of millions of people to connect to each other and the ability of computers to do the heavy lifting of computation and algorithms makes a site like eBay not only possible, but wildly successful. It also goes without saying that: Great idea on the internet = billions of dollars, so get online and try to be this guy, and not this guy.(Side note: I’ve only discussed like ten sites so far and three of them have been cat-focused. I guess that means if you want to take the path of least resistance to becoming an internet millionaire, appeal to sad cat people and let the checks roll in.)7. The Sketchy Site (Craigslist)Now we’re getting somewhere. Every community needs a red light district, and Craigslist fills that need by turning your computer into a modern-day Deadwood. Need an erotic message at 4 am? A roommate that will probably watch you sleep for hours on end? Need to trade weed for an iPad? Craigslist won’t judge you. Trust me. It’s seen far worse.8. The Porn SiteJust think about it this way: If the year was 1982 and a gentleman approached you and said that he had a machine that would supply you with unlimited free pornography with no strings attached, how much would you pay for this machine? Exactly. Don’t take for granted a) your access to any type of pornography your sick mind seeks out; and b) how important pornography actually is on the internet is. In 2006 (dated, I know) online porn took in $97 billion. That was more than Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, Amazon, Apple, and Netflix raked in combined. Never mind what I said about finding a good idea on the internet and getting rich. Just get a webcam.9. The Torrent SiteIn keeping with our “seedy underbelly of the internet” section, let’s talk about piracy. There is probably a legitimate use for torrent sites, but I have no idea what it is. It’s where people go to steal music and watch HBO shows when they don’t want to pay for HBO. Offering most every album, movie and TV online for enjoyment for free, the torrent sites have taken file sharing to the next level, causing many groups, most notably the RIAA to shit bricks about what this means for their future business models. In meantime, enjoy the reversion of power back to the consumer. So listen to your stolen Lady Gaga, watch your stolen “True Blood” episodes and drink your Mountain Dew. We haven’t figured out to steal soda through the internet, but trust me, there’s probably like 1000 people working on it right now.
